A plea from the heart

Only about another week to go now, and it'll be back to school. So what better way to spend the time remaining, than to sort out the maths teacher's wardrobe - we wouldn't want to be out of step with fashion, would we? Time, surely, to rummage through those drawers, cupboards, wardrobes and make sure everything's OK. Failing that, a quick visit to Matalan and all shall be well.

I love how, as soon as the holidays have started, shops like BHS or M&S have "back to school" displays... not after a couple of weeks of holiday, no, but straight away. Thanks for reminding us, guys! But these displays are always of weans wearing vaguely schoolish clobber; why not push the boat out and have a display of teacher wear instead? They could display the latest Harris tweed bullet-proof number, complete with leather elbow patches. Mmm - very Jude Law.

Anyway, on to the plea from the heart. Now I'm no fashion guru, but there are quite definitely things that should not be done. So, to all maths teachers everywhere, here's my wish list for the coming session... follow this carefully and thou shalt not be too tragically unhip:

1. Stop wearing the following ties: Wallace & Gromit; the Simpsons; Doctor Who, or basically any character based paraphernalia. Do you really want the world to say "Hello, Grandad"?
2. Give up the comb-over
   Yes, early onset male pattern baldness is a terrible thing, but think Sean Connery, think Jean Luc Picard... or think Gregor Fisher in the Hamlet cigar advert. Your choice.
3. Put those pants away, madam
   Your class does not want to see them, trust me. Or if they do, they won't be getting much work done.
4. "Non-iron" shirts and trousers
   still need ironing.
5. Jeans
   don't need a crease.
6. A smart suit
   indicates a desire to join senior management. Before you know it, you could find yourself supervising lunches - is that really what you want?

Always remember that, historically, maths teachers have tended to operate within a narrow band of the fashion spectrum, unlike (say) art teachers who can wear almost anything in the name of creativity; though you could always go for the ever-popular "mad professor" look, but it's hard to pull this off because the moment you start trying to dress eccentrically, you're doomed.

One final tip: some pupils apparently have difficulty seeing red or green colours when used at the "blackboard". Theoretically this should mean that if you dress in red or green, you will become invisible to such pupils. It's worth a try, surely?